The Holiday Blues

When a reason to be grateful is turned against us…

I’ve been constantly thinking about what I’ve been lacking…what I’ve been doing too much of.  I’ve been trying to hold on to some fading star that’s been a wonderful feeling of Gratitude and positivity only to feel like I’m trying to start a lighter that’s out of fuel…constantly rubbing my thumb against the little metallic wheel over and over while seeing just a spark and no flame.  

I’ve been in denial, and if I’m honest with myself I can’t shake the feeling that something is WRONG. It’s probably The Holiday Blues (aka Holiday Depression), but I don’t want to believe that because it feels like something I should be able to shake…and if I can’t shake it, then everything I’ve learned recently about treating my mental health via gratitude has been dead wrong (click here for my journey to Gratitude or in fact anytime you see the word Gratitude in this blog entry)…because God forbid I have moments of doubt, fear, depression, irritability, feeling overwhelmed, laziness, pain, loneliness, boredom…etc

I want to believe it’s chemical. I’ve had this notion that since Thanksgiving I’ve been gorging on leftovers and that my body is simply hungover from all of that.  Maybe we (Americans) all are?  Maybe all that indulgent food takes longer to digest than we think?  It’s not a bad thought but I’m not completely sold.

I’ve never been a person who panics.  I’ve been secretly envious of people who do though. Odd right?  Yes. I know. If you’re wondering why it’s because I believe that if I did panic / had panic attacks people (myself included) might be able to acknowledge that something is wrong, take my mental health issues more seriously, and thus take action.  I could justify getting a script for Xanax too ;) So what does this have to do with The Holiday Blues?

Well

I show up for life. I go to the gym. I eat. I sleep. I produce and record my clients. I teach my students. I write my songs.  I play my gigs. It all looks good on paper, and one would probably not be able to see it.  I know when I’m faking it but I have a hard time seeing the difference between laziness vs a real problem and also admitting when I’m not strong enough on my own.  So I usually opt for thinking I’m being lazy and plow through. Thank God for my recent habit of daily journaling.  It’s been a godsend. It helps me explore, recognize, articulate and untangle all the good and all the bad that’s happening in my life.   

What currently plagues me is mainly a lack of energy / motivation and irritability.  These both stem from feeling overwhelmed.  My new sense of Gratitude seems to be losing the fight. Is this fading feeling a sign that I was wrong? Was I a fool to believe that I had it all figured out?  NO!  That’s not the right way to see it.  In fact, I can see that  what’s happening now is a perfect example of twisted ambition (gratitude’s opposite that I spoke of here) thrust upon me.

One big source of stress this time of year is all the presents I feel I have to buy before everyone buys them up.  I imagine us all as parasites depleting all the merchandise from all the stores.  Memories from Christmases past (and Covid lockdown) remind me of things being out of stock and deliveries being delayed til after the holidays. The only things that will be left are the bottom of the barrel items (for losers!). But. The truth is I get it done every year and this year won’t be any different. In fact, it might be better because I have more money.  It’s just that it feels forced and fake. Not that I don’t care about my loved ones.  It’s quite the opposite actually.  I’m more grateful for them than ever. 

So where does this fear, and this forced + fake feeling come from?  It’s the “must buy things now” advertisements that immediately intrude after a holiday whose spirit is meant to be grateful for who and what we have. They cheapen the spirit of Thanksgiving and the holidays that come after it in one fell swoop.  The ads work as a subliminally induced ambition that builds pressure inside of us. Via fear of missing out they trigger the need to give our loved ones THE BEST because they are THE BEST and deserve THE BEST! It’s as if they’re exploiting one of the most important reasons to be grateful (family and friends) and using it against us. 

I wish it were as simple as switching off the TV. I don’t have cable, but I do have internet and email. I’ve been constantly bombarded with “Black Friday Deals,” “Cyber Monday Deals,” and “Time is running out” emails. I want to blame it all on the corporations but I feel mixed about that because recovery from addiction has taught me to focus on personal responsibility when I experience negative feelings…but there’s nothing I can do about endless ads. Is there?  I guess I could stop looking at my phone and email altogether from Nov 1 to Jan 1 but is that really possible in this day and age?  Even if I did everything in my power to insulate myself from situations where I don’t see / hear adverts, it would be impossible not to come across them. They’re everywhere. Even though I don’t have Cable TV, it exists in the gyms I go to, the restaurants I play at and the houses of other human beings I sometimes frequent.  I’m sure I’m leaving out a myriad of other advertisement platforms. There is no escaping it. So I guess it is ok to blame others sometimes. Take THAT AA and corporations!!!

Makes me wonder what this endless bombardment of ads does to how we process the way we feel about our loved ones?  Ourselves even?  I can’t help but surmise that if we’re not careful to recognize what’s happening this time of year that we can easily distort our feelings towards ourselves and the people we love.  As pressure (ambition) builds inside of us to buy presents for people, we might start to prioritize / categorize their importance. Maybe we do this with a spirit of defiance too because maybe the pressure feels like someone is telling us what to do and NO ONE TELLS US WHAT TO DO! Then memories of how much they deserve our love or how much they disappoint us pollute our image of them.  And then maybe how and what we choose to buy or not buy also colors the way we view ourselves as a: friend, partner, relative. This could be a breeding ground for resentment and codependency, especially if we feel we’re obligated to buy for certain people. 

…Or maybe not.  Maybe that sort of neuroticism is reserved for me and George Costanza (A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US!!!). I guess it all depends on your money and your relationships.

We’re all powerless to the wave of Holiday Blues thrust upon us. Since there’s nothing we can do about it, all we have left is acceptance (thank you AA. Sorry for throwing shade at you a few paragraphs back) and Gratitude - which can help us fight back against subliminally induced ambition.  It’s ok if they don’t get the present you think they deserve. Really. It’s ok. It doesn’t define anything about you or them. It’s ok if your family gathering / party is going to be less than you wanted. Really. It’s ok.  It doesn’t define anything about you or them.  It’s ok if you didn’t get everything done that you were supposed to. It doesn’t define anything about you or them.  It’ll still work out like it does every year. At worst you’ll have a mediocre Holiday - which is an amazing problem.  This won’t last forever. Nothing does, and I look forward to the relief when it’s all said and done.  I hope you do too.

Mom and me Christmas 2022